Sometimes in my self-imposed rubrics of life, I judge and perceive people as “good”, “worthy”, and other sorts of labels onto people. It’s a natural instinct, inevitably. I perceive myself as “Christian”, “valued” and other adjectives based on my works and accomplishments, which includes how well I’m doing in classes, reading my Bible, and making money. At moments, I peak as everything seems to go well and I feel like I’m right with God and everyone else, but when everything else fades, all self-worth disappears.
I use my self-imposed value system on myself and consider myself worthless. Friends shouldn’t want me because I do not “truly” love them. Family shouldn’t want me because they’re spending money on tuition only to see me not doing so well in classes. Waking up in the morning to hours of work and school, I sometimes just wish I would just fade away so I wouldn’t have to live such a meaningless life. Yet, despite it all, despite failing everything and looking like a loser, there’s a lover that keeps pursuing me. He’s God.
And it’s just killing me. God, why love me? I fail. I disobey. I don’t want You in my life anymore. I don’t even know if I can even be a Christian anymore. I don’t want any more altar calls, rededications, or people praying over me. God, You know I’m going to fall. You know I’m going to turn away. You know I’m going to sin.
God, I’m a stock that’s falling. I’m an investment that has shady history and no implications of change. I’m that friend that backstabs you repeatedly. I’m that guy that is ashamed to tell others of how great You are even when You repeatedly show acts of love and mercy. I’m a Pharisee.
God, You want me to come back, but do I want to come back?
Monday, July 7, 2008
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