Nothing to offer, yet valued

2.8.08
Lately, I’ve been flooded with the lies in my head. Stuff like, “I have nothing to offer to PC”. I’m a bigot, a hypocrite, prideful, selfish, and greedy. There I said it. As much as I try to help out, I feel like it’s all about myself and what I do. Conversions carry out about how good I am at something and, honestly, it feels good to feel worthy to be complemented at the things I do. I see the pains, hurts, and struggles in my life and have seen how God and PC people have helped me overcome them whether it be girls, depression, or even the smaller things, you guys have been there.

I’m laden with guilt as I see the mantle in PC is being passed down to the underclassmen .The 411 team, Jaeson, and many others such as Mako and Enoch are going to be gone before a matter of time. Bernice and Mats are going to be gone. I have to step it up. Here I am, I want to help, but are these mere words that bare no fruit because I lack motivation and the driving force of love.

And that’s my relationship with God as of now as well.

I am the prodigal walking away from the glories of God, living and suffering eating among the pigs, not wanting to see the father anymore. I feel shameful. I took what God has given me in my inheritance, talents, and abilities and squandered it. I have nothing left to give back, but in order to get back to the father, I must make it up to him. I have to do something, work my way back.

Bring myself back worth in his eyes…

Pay back what I stole…

Put myself into slavery...

Anything…

Everything….

And it’s breaking down these lies that becomes the hard part. As head knowledge dictates that God loves me no matter what. “He’s waiting for me”. There’s the conclusion that the prodigal son receives unconditional love from the father in the parable. My heart is a paradigm. As in society, when you want something, you have to earn it. That’s how I’ve been brought up. I want a new game, I’ll earn it. I want to go to Hawaii? I’ll earn it.

Grace is free. Forgiveness from God is not earned.

Hate feeling emo.