Killer Drive

3/13/08

Killer drive, a term I say casually to people, who, ironically, don't know what it means, so here's my Daniel's dictionary entry.

Killer Drive - noun - an academic drive in which a person strives to not only do better, but destroy, the class competition.

Anyway, so on paper, the killer drive sounds like it could be an awesome thing to have, especially if one is struggling with academics. I had the killer drive last year during the fall quarter (2006). I came into UCLA, extra cocky, thinking that I was the best student at Chemistry.

So I took Chemistry 20A in the Fall with Scerri. During lecture, I laughed and mocked whoever would ask the teacher questions in lecture because everything seemed so trivial and basic, material-wise. One girl in particular would ask at least 2 questions in lecture and at least 10 per discussion section, no joke. A part of me would die on the inside whenever she asked a question.

The first midterm came along, and I got a 41.5/50. Not bad by any means. The class average was roughly a 34/50. However, that same girl, who asked many questions, got a 45/50. This is when the killer drive officially kicked in to my system.

Yes, the killer drive.

After that moment of glancing at her midterm score, I thought to myself, "She's so much dumber than I am. I have to destroy her on the next midterm along with everyone else. I'm the smartest guy in this class. There is no way this inferior competition can come close to my Chemistry knowledge."

From then on, I read the section readings at least 3 times and practiced a ridiculous number of problems. I punished myself vigorously if I made a mistake whether it might be a Significant Figure error, SI unit error, or a calculation error. If I made even one mistake, I would make myself do 5 more problems until I made sure I got it right. Every night, that girl's paper would vividly appear on the white ceiling of my dorm room and I would think, "I can't let her beat me again."

The next midterm came along and I scored a 58/61 on it with the average being a 40-45ish. I think it was one of the top scores of that midterm, but I still wasn't satisfied. -2 for forgetting a fact and -1 for a calculation error??? "That's ridiculous", I thought to myself. The 95 merely just appeased my killer drive, but I needed to get a perfect on the final to satisfy my drive.

For the final, I wrote the first 80 pages of my course reader, word for word, until I realized there were more efficient ways of studying. Nonetheless, the image of losing to an "inferior" student still echoed in my mind.

Here's where the negative side effects of the killer drive come in, if you haven't already noticed any in this post. I wasn't eating normally anymore. Studying was more important. If I got a problem wrong, then I didn't deserve to eat. Eating was an afterthought, perhaps a reward, for completing the problems. My spirituality was absolutely torn into shreds. My identity wasn't in God, it was in beating the class and what number was on my paper.

My emotions were all over the place. The killer drive has taken over me and placed worries everywhere.

"What if she really is that much smarter than me? I must be worthless if she is doing that much better. I have to do well on this exam and beat everyone or else I'm absolutely worthless. I can't fail, I can't pass.... I have to win! I don't care about anything else anymore, but this one thing, my rank in the class"

I took the final and aced it, but didn't perfect it (139/155, Average = 90/155). I didn't know whether I got the highest grade in the class. Although I did get my first A+, I wasn’t satisfied because of the constant paranoia of not having the highest grade in everything.

For now, the killer drive has left me, which is good.

Does anyone want to help me not procrastinate now? (=p)