Freewrite - I wonder

It's in that moment, when I see something that stirs my heart. The girl fighting cancer since she was born, the young teenager forced into sex slavery, or the homeless man around the corner that causes something to stir inside of me. Every action demands a response. In those moments, I have a choice. My heart cries out for the injustices in the world, but what do I do? Seeing an injustice demands a response, emitting questions into my conscious-stream of what am I going to do?

Maybe that's why people quickly change the channel when they see something awful on the news or turn the other cheek when they see the eyes of a homeless person zoning in. Have you ever looked eye to eye with a homeless man before? The need and desperation in their eyes. Yet it's so much easier to tune it out by putting on a set of earphones and turning the music louder on the iPod, pretending that you never saw the person. I knew you saw the person. The man was in plain sight on the street, holding his cup filled with change and a couple dollar bills.

And I know your heart breaks too when you see a person without legs struggling or hear stories about a 6 year old girl who's forced into prostitution. You grieve and say somebody should do something and then continue to live the hedonistic life that America feeds to you. Yea go ahead, fill yourself with more clothes, dreams of new cars and a big house. Continue to say that you're going to hook-up with the next b*tch and trophy her to your friends, making yourself look more manly. Meet your weekly quota of going to church on Sunday and occationally donating $10 to some charity, thinking that's all God demands of you.

I'm being judgemental and hypocritical because I am no different from you. I easily can tune out the problems of the world by hiding underneath a sea of Banana Republic clothing and my UCLA engineering degree. I can say that I'm doing something by obtaining a bi-weekly paycheck with a comma in it. I can say I'm significant by the car I drive or by the house I own, but still I know that something lingers inside of me. Something more lingers inside my heart, and I bet it lingers in yours too because the life you hide under is the path you didn't want to take, but took by convenience. The normal path that society treasures. Maybe your friends and parents are proud that you became the stereotypical doctor, lawyer, or engineer, but you long for more.

I wonder at the end of the day if I will live in a vicious cycle. Something that catches my eye gets drowned out by the superficiality of the world. I know it's tough and burdensome to take on the world's burdens. I wonder if I ever have the capacity or the compassion to even think about people who are suffering while I type on my Samsung netbook, lying in a cozy home.

Jesus sat with the leapers, the blind people, and the outcasts. He freaken ate with them and saw the crowds with compassion. And that's where the disconnect happens. What caused Jesus to do it? What was in His heart and mind to do the things He did? Why am I not like that?

And so I don't know where to go from here. I could continue living the life I'm living, pretending to be oblivious to the world or go do something about it. Lord, help me.

real moments

Brian Orme asked me the other night,

“What makes your faith real?”

It was an interesting question, mainly because I could not rely on simply regurgitating what others have told me or could I look in a textbook for an answer. It was a personal question with an answer.

He was waiting for me to answer, as I nervously tried to muster up something that would satisfy his inquiries as well as mine. I recollected the memories of which God has spoken to me in my life and the transformations I saw in other people. I remembered my trip to Mexico when I learned what God’s love was. I pondered on my daily conversations I had with Him when I was at work or when I was walking home to class, worshiping Him. Yet, as I told my friend my answer, something still didn’t sit right with me. And it dawned on me

When was the last time I had a real encounter with Him?

I’m a very idealistic person when it comes to thinking and planning. I love to think of ways I could improve every facet of life. When I talk to other PC people, I always talk about how I want to encounter God in a more real way or how I could reach out to people. However, talking too much about theory does not really do much if it doesn’t lead to action.

I was dry
I was weary
I didn’t know why I believed the things I did besides what has been taught to me

To be honest, I wasn’t spending my alone time with God or reading the Bible. Mix that with sinful habits such as falling into lust among other things, I felt like there was a barrier between me and God. I knew I needed rest in Him. I’ve heard of the miracles. I’ve seen Him move, but I couldn’t picture what He could do in MY life. And honestly, I didn’t want Him to move in me anymore.

That night was the first night of Greenhouse, a Passion Church event that attempts to explain how simple church works. By now, I’m a simple church planting expert. I knew what a Person of Peace was, I’ve heard Neil Cole’s corny jokes and puns, and I’ve seen that Helm’s Deep clip from Lord of the Rings at least 3 times.

I asked myself, “What is the point of me being here?” I’ve seen this, yet nothing’s happened in my life. I haven’t created a person of peace. I haven’t created a simple church. Heck, underneath the veil, I’m a terrible person. At this point, I was thinking, “Maybe God will move in me at this conference, but then I will probably be jaded in a month and be at square one again.”

Brian then stopped me and asked another question

Why do you declare false truths as if they are going to happen?
Why not declare the truths that are in His word?

I meditated on that thought for a moment.
Yes I know what His word says, but I don’t believe it in my heart.

My friend asks me another question

What does Jesus think about you?

I began declaring it
I am a child of God
I am holy in His sight

However, I couldn’t get myself to say the next one
He is p-p-p-rooo…

I don’t know why, bu ti couldn’t believe it
He is p-p-prooooudd of m-mum-meee, even in my shame

I repeated it
He is p-proud of me even in my weakness

After claiming that, I felt some clearing. I felt God was speaking to me. However, there was some blockage. Brian and Jennifer proceeded to pray over me some more. Suddenly, an intense wave of shame was brought upon me that caused me to shake uncontrollably. The devil was trying to use shame as bondage from preventing me from hearing. Brian starting praying for me again, and I felt the chains unravel as I felt less burdensome. Finally, I was able to clearly encounter God without the baggage.

You’re my son whom I love
I’m proud of who you are

It felt like complete freedom in Him. God is my savior. I began declaring things of who God was. These things that I was declaring weren’t fabricated out of prior knowledge from a Sunday school teacher, but from what I’ve encountered personally with God. These were truths that were made REAL.

I thank God for moments like these.
I thank God for the truths in His word
I thank God for real encounters
I thank God that He is the same always and still relevant today

Lack of Updates

Hey Guys,
Sorry for the lack of Vblog updates. My roommate, Jason Lee, has a dead laptop right now, so I'm letting him borrow mine. I don't have a webcam for the time being.

-Daniel

What is tafokints?

Q&A 2

1. What would you like to see happen this year? - Jason
2. How do you make money playing online poker? - Sam
3. How do you maintain your sexiness? - Andrew Hiah



-Keep posting questions guys

Habits and Pet Peeves

VBlog

Retreat

In a dark room, a boy was sitting in the front row amidst of variety of people. he reminisced over the week’s work and wondered what had just happened. He knew he couldn’t finish his job. He was put into a losing battle and because of it, he felt anger, frustration, and disappointment. He was a perfectionist at heart, wanting every little detail pristine to his liking. The boy lamented at his failures and wondered if there was any relief to what he was feeling. He could not deliver his promises to the expectations of the group. In one sense, he didn’t live up to his commitment for his family.

Suddenly, he heard a voice saying, “look behind you”. Shrugging, he looked behind, much to his dismay; he saw something that captivated him. He saw his brothers and sisters behind him with their voices loud and hands lifted high, praising the Father. Hope gleamed from each of their eyes and love radiated from their bodies. There was a transformation that was occurring in each of them. Something he could not possibly explain. It was not his planning or logistics that led them to this. Something worked passed all the mistakes and errors. Upon this realization, he could not help, but let go of his mistakes and worship the King. His eyes were teary as he fell facedown to the floor in awe of the Father.

transparancy

I remember in High School when my youth pastor would pick me up to go to church. In the car ride, he said something that, although simple, still profound me today. The saying goes that “people are like onions; they have layers”. Some people will think of the movie Shrek when they hear this quote, but it has much light to it. As people, we have different levels of vulnerability depending on who we’re with. The people we trust more will have access to the inner layers of our being while strangers will only get to see the outermost layer, which usually pertains to the superficial stuff such as sports or random news.
I had an interesting conversation with a person I grew up with who used to admire my openness to people. However, this person was also disappointed that I’ve gotten a little more guarded over the years and that I’ve become more superficial and fake in the way I express myself. I’ve been pondering how I’ve changed over the years and I have to agree that what this person said is very true. How I carry myself around people has significantly changed to the point where I have to constantly create this “successful” image about myself whether it be with family, friends, or people I’ve just met. I have to carry this reputation about myself to show that I’m valuable. I think it’s come to the point where I carry myself in guardedness subconsciously. Although some may say that I should carry myself well around people, this very need I have to carry a reputation is killing my soul on the inside.
I remember when I used to be so open about myself in high school at church. Back then, I was very much aware of my weaknesses. Although I was scared to admit some of my struggles and weaknesses to people in youth group, I didn’t care. I needed Jesus in my life more than anything and I guess that desperation is what caused me to be so open with my life problems. I was desperate and had that attitude that if God didn’t move now, then my life is screwed, so I guess that’s why I was so open. I didn’t care what people thought because my problems and my desperation for Jesus were much greater than my reputation.
I don’t know what it is that doesn’t allow me to become transparent. Maybe a lack of urgency or desperation? Or maybe the fact that I’ve “matured” in to the college life in which the culture does not allow or value for people to be open about their weaknesses. Also, I guess the life problems are much greater and more is at stake if people knew what I struggled with or went through. Reputation doesn’t matter much in high school or even as kids; however, as college people, it’s everything.
I’m kind of rambling, so I guess I’ll end on the thought that I need to read His word more. I think part of me doubts that if people, even my closest friends, knew who I was, then things would be different. I would be judged. I would have shame and disappointment placed on my head and my reputation of being an engineer at UCLA, a manager at Wetzel’s, a “successful” Christian, would all be gone. Part of that human response I guess morphs into my life with God. I know that God knows everything and I do read in his Word that He loves me and that nothing can separate me from His love. But the reality is, if I knew that God knew everything about me, I have that gut thought that He would abandon me. So I guess I’m back at square one, I need You Jesus more than anything right now.

Upcoming summer plans

Summer is at the 1/2 way point for us quarter system college students. I wonder what to do

July 30 - Organic Church Fellowship Meeting
Aug 1 - Beach
Aug 14 - End of SAT teaching/Great America
Aug 16 - Fly back to LA
Sept 12 - Birthday/Possible Vegas Trip???

I need people to fill this schedule
I'm going to be going back to LA, probably working part time, researching, and studying for the GREs. However, I would also like to take this free time over the summer to chill with you guys who I don't see often.

Goals for Sess C
- Get 3 hours of studying for GREs per day on weekdays, 4 hrs combined on weekends
- Catch up with at least 2-3 people per week
- Work part time 15-20 hrs and hopefully train people to become SSS
- Research successfully (nothing bad)
- Pray at least 1 hr day/lead corporate prayer at least 1-2 times per week
- Read 2 books of the bible per week
- Catch up on Smash with people. Improve on Tech Skill
- Somehow clean the apartment (I heard the living room and kitchen are pretty bad)

i'm also very open to suggestions

Real encounters

Because of Jenn's request, I have decided to update my blog.

"Real" Encounters

I have been out of LA and back in Cupertino for nearly 2 months. I enjoy aspects of being in Cupertino as well as being in LA. For one thing, I am significantly less busy back at home. My schedule at the beginning of summer was

7:45am Wake up/Get Ready
8:30-12:30 SAT Teaching
12:30-12am Nothing

After a while, the free time bored me. I couldn't possibly pray for 10 hours straight to be realistic. I gradually decided to pick up running as well as read some books. On a side note, I like CS Lewis as an apologetics writer. He's very straightforward in his writing style and produces solid examples to help visualize and portray what he's arguing. Also, I am tutoring Chemistry on the side and running at night with one of my good friends. Needless to say, I've gotten pretty active. However, I do really miss my Passion Church friends. I miss the times I can go up to someone and worship/jam the night away. I miss the times when we would pray for hours on end, meeting God face to face. I realize that I miss the "real" encounters that I had with God.

Granted, I do have much daily conversation with my Daddy whether it is during my drives around Cupertino or when I have some good alone time at Peet's Coffee. For the most part, my spiritual life is kind of stagnant. I currently attend GrX with my siblings on Sunday. I do not mean to bash GrX because I do believe God's work is being done in that church. However, I leave every Sunday with much dissatisfaction. We have worship and we hear a sermon every week. I do like that they incorporate a 5 minute prayer time during the service, but I feel like I'm watching a show every time I am there. I learn a good moral and listen to some good music. Is the church supposed to be like this? What worries me is that the general American Christian population expects that this is what spirituality/Christianity/church is all about. Man, I miss meeting God in real moments. It strikes me that when I read in the Bible of people encountering Jesus or God how much people's lives change.

Moses's encounter with God at the burning bush, forever changed him from a simple man to a man that led a nation to freedom
Paul on his road to Damascus encounters Jesus/God and has his life change forever
Mary upon meeting Jesus has her life changed forever

These encounters are real. If I learned anything, it is that the God of today is the same as He is yesterday. I believe in a God that still has encounters with people today. I don't believe real encounters with Him are pertinent only to the Old Testament or to the times when Jesus still lived. With that in mind, I don't get why people don't have the mindset of wanting to encounter Him at church. Instead, we settle for less than what God wants to pour out by having programs and services that don't really do much, bluntly said. I miss the times when we would gather and pray with the expectation that we were going to encounter the real livng God. We would not stop praying until something happened. It was in those moments though that God would show up and amaze and transform us in many powerful ways. I wonder if my busy-ness and my priorities in my own life also prevent me from having those real encounters with God. My spiritual life feels dry, I need more of you Jesus.

Inadequacy and dating (in the PC context)

Sometimes I wonder in the midst of my brokenness, why me God? Why have you chosen to die for me? Why did you choose me to know so much about Your goodness and Your love? Why are you handing authority to me as Your hands and feet when You know my weaknesses and my sins? You know me in my low points, yet You want me to be a testimony of Your glory? How does that work, God? I’m confused.

In these moments, I ponder again and again why God moves the way he does. I picture God to be perfect and flawless. Once again, those are attributes of God. In these realizations, I do not want to taint or mess up anything about my perfect Father and King. Whether the task maybe doing ministry in church or trying to explain how awesome He is to people, I am worried and scared that I’m not the “right” person for the job and that I will screw up.

I grew up as a clutz. I remember the times when I would drop food everywhere and have people scream to me on how unreliable I was. I had people belittle me constantly saying that I did not hold up to some certain standard whether it was following in the footsteps of my brother or failing to meet expectations in general.

God’s funny sometimes. I have to constantly be reminded by Him that my failures are okay. In scripture, He says that He is actually made strong in my weakness and that we are a working masterpiece.

I write this to not get pity; rather I wonder if this mindset of inadequacy seeps into how we view members of the opposite sex within Passion Church (PC). Overall, I feel a strong sense of admiration towards everyone in PC. Never before have I seen a group of people who are so passionate for the Lord. I have learned much about many aspects of our Father through PC. With the women of PC, I have a strong sense of respect. They have valued the Lord so much in their life, choosing Him as their first love. I’m not saying that PC people are perfect, but they sure are amazing.

Anyway, I wonder if when a person does have feelings of love/romance towards the other gender, then feelings of inadequacy come in, preventing a person from pursuing his or her crush.

“I want to date her, but I’m not good enough”

Okay, maybe a person might not outright say that. Let’s change it

“I want to date her, but I’m not ready to date her. Her priority is with God. I do not want to screw up her relationship with God. She is so awesome and talented too, but I’m worried that I might distract her from her relationship with God.”

This is more subtly said in the minds of PC people (in my opinion). I think one of the reasons people don’t want to date is because of the fear that they are not good enough for their crushes. The feeling of inadequacy seeps in, trying to justify and prevent romance from every happening between pairs of very qualified people.

Not only do you have to encourage and edify the body, but at moment’s time take a step back and look at the mighty works that God does in your life. God moves inside of each one of us in so many awesome ways. Sometimes, we tend to forget that when God is moving on other people marvelously, He is also doing a mighty work in us, whether we believe it or not.

What are your thoughts?

NBA FINALS Predictions

Yes, it is 2:15 am
Yes, I have a final tomorrow, but I want to post my predictions before the first game.

I'll start off with the keys to success for both teams

1. Andrew Bynum
He has not been nearly as good or as effective in the playoffs as we expected. However, if he puts up 25 minutes of solid minutes with good defense, that's all the Lakers need from him. If Bynum can't guard Howard one on one, you can effectively call him useless because that's the only thing he'll be good for. The Lakers are a lot more effective on offense, going small-ball, with Gasol as the center and having wing-men who can shoot the 3. If he can get 10pts-10reb and maybe a couple blocks, that's going to help significantly.

2. Which role players are going to show up?
The role players we saw in game 6 vs. Denver or
The role players that haven't done anything all series long.

3. Lamar Odom
Will he grow some kahunas or not? He has potential. Everyone writes about it. He has shown glimpses of it. Will he unleash it in the finals or cave in like last year against the Celtics?


Orlando Magic
1. Get Dwight involved early and often.
I don't see anyone on the Lakers sans maybe Bynum guarding him effectively. If he's commanding double-teams early, expect to see the Magic have a shooting spree from the 3-pt line

2. Take advantage of the mismatches with Lewis/Hedo
I can't imagine what type of lineup, the Lakers can throw that will efffectively contain Dwight, Hedo, and Lewis. Gasol can't hang on the perimeter against Hedo and Lewis and is too small to guard Dwight. It's going to be interesting to see what lineup Phil pulls to guard this team.

3. How much of Jameer will we see?
Any remotely fast point guard has terrorized the Lakers this season. Fisher is too slow to contain any penetrating point guard. Fisher made Aaron Brooks look like Tony Parker. If Jameer can play remotely decent, this may cause many problems. I don't think Farmer or Fisher can contain him. Hopefully, Shannon Brown will be played in the rotation more. Has anyone wondered besides me why this guy isn't getting the minutes he deserves?

Lakers in 6 is my prediction

G1: Lakers win
G2: Lakers win
G3: Magic win
G4: Lakers win
G5: Magic win
G6: Lakers win

You see me in my sin
You see me in my weakness
Yet You still love me
You are made strong in my weakness

Thanks

Must keep pushing in

Yet I still choose you

Today, had me through a bottle of emotions.
Jealousy
Pain
Shame
Rejection

So hard to deal with, yet I will continue to worship and choose You first.

sometimes i wonder if i'm too competitive for my own good.

I am lovesick

I want more of You, Jesus

I'm tied down by these obligations, thoughts, restraints. Set me free, so that I can see You more.

Psalm 27:4
One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD And to meditate in His temple.

Man, let that be the reflection of my life. Let my life come down to one thing, may I gaze upon YOUR beauty oh Lord. I'm addicted, it's better than anything. The reaffirming love He has for me. I fail, You know my heart and deepest desires, yet You love me the same. This is the very reason I am the way I am. I know I don't live up to Your standards, Jesus, yet You still love and forgive me. How can I not walk in freedom and do the same and give mercy like Jesus did. This is why I'm so nice and compassionate. I try to give freely, as I've received freely. It's because of what Jesus did for me. Nothing else. I don't live for myself. I live for Him.

God's so good. The last week has been crazy. Call me if you want to hear about it
Baptisms, Open-airing, Worship, House of Prayer, Tongues, too crazy. He is good

-Daniel

Thank You Jesus

This song has been stuck in my head for a while.
Amazed - Desperation Band


Lord, I am AMAZED by You. Thank You so much for lifting the cross. We worship a living God who ressurected, not a dead one. All glory, praise and honor go to You.


I had my first ever seeker bible study with Anita's friend Raymond, Anita, and Jason (my roommate). Man, Raymond is so close to repenting and accepting Jesus. The questions he was coming up with weren't argumentative, but came from a heart that really wanted to know truth. Man, the questions he was coming up with were crazy. The holy spirit imparts wisdom on everyone and I do believe that it's not through my own knowledge, revelation, or wisdom that people see God, but rather it's the Spirit that speaks through me and uses the Bible to speak to people, Christian or non-christian.

We went over 1 John with Raymond, the verse that sticks out is this.

1 John 1:9
9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Our God is faithful and just when we repent and turn away from our sins. He WILL purify us and make us righteous in His sight. Jesus's death on the cross was the atoning sacrifice that cleanses us from our sin and allows us fellowship with the Father. This is the message of the weekend, of Good Friday, and Good Easter:

We were dead in our sin with no hope or life, but God provided us a way to Him, through Jesus Christ, his only son, who died on the cross on our behalf in love and mercy.

Will you believe?

Engineer

I'm posting something, which means probably one thing. Midterms are coming up! Gasp! I can't believe it's already 5th week. The quarter has been going ridiculously fast with Chem E problem sets being due like every other day admidts the oral reports, written reports, and other stuff that needs to be done. Needless to say, I've been busy. Boelter computer lounge (where I am right now) is my 2nd home, no joke. It's freezing in here by the way. I need to remind myself to bring a sweater even when it's hot outside.

I'm glancing at my homework that has the score 47/80 out on the top, but yet I'm not too disappointed, surprisingly. I've been refraining myself from going to TA office hours because I still feel and believe that getting spoon fed the solution causes me to lose my natural instincts and drive to actually learn the material. I want to be the best chemical engineer ever, which is a paradox because I'm doing things that are preventing me from getting the best grades possible (last minute finnese on hw sets, struggling and wasting time trying to figure stuff out), but it's all worth it. I see people who are getting the right answers but still have no clue on the natural setups and approaches to doing problems.

I think the long hours are finally paying off though. I've been reading alot more for classes (rewritting lecture notes, reading the book, doing hw set problems purely from scratch). Teh cool thing is even though I've been struggling with classes, things are coming together. My recent hw set that I turned in was done solely with instincts. I'm hoping that I get good enough with this heat transfer and thermochem stuff that I can eventually teach an ordinary person the theory behind it.

Valentine's day is coming up and I think i'm celebrating it with Passion Church peeps, which is always cool. I wonder if it is korean tradition to eat ja jang myun when you're single on valentine's day. IT sure seems strange, and my parents have no clue what I'm talking about when I mention about it. Nonetheless, I'm eating jajang myun (hopefully at Dragon, my favorite new korean-chinese restaurant) and get to actch up with people I haven't seen in a long time.

And if you didn't infer from the paragraph above, yes, I'm still single. I don't think I really care at this point to be honest. The only way I could realistically have a girlfriend if she was in Chemical Engineering, but I don't really find any Chem-E's attractive (note: sorry to any Chem-E's that are reading this). I guess my current status is "open, but not actively looking"

Times with God over the past month have been good. I've been much more mindful of Him and just commuting and praising Him throughout the course of the day. I do need to go into the word more though. Rock and I have been reading Deuteronomy for the past couple weeks, which initially was zzzz, but the book is starting to come alive.

Deuteronomy 6:20-26
20 In the future, when your son asks you, "What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the LORD our God has commanded you?" 21 tell him: "We were slaves of Pharaoh in Egypt, but the LORD brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand. 22 Before our eyes the LORD sent miraculous signs and wonders—great and terrible—upon Egypt and Pharaoh and his whole household. 23 But he brought us out from there to bring us in and give us the land that he promised on oath to our forefathers. 24 The LORD commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear the LORD our God, so that we might always prosper and be kept alive, as is the case today. 25 And if we are careful to obey all this law before the LORD our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness."

I think for people who have encountered God and are Christians, they can reflect on the moments where God has rescued them out of what they used to be. I think this particular passage hits me alot because whenever I'm in a faith crisis moment in which I'm struggling with the thoughts of leaving God altogether, I'm always reminded of what God has delivered me from and what He has done in my life. Because of the past history with God, no matter how far I'm away, I can never abandon Him. Even as I read this passage, I'm reminded of my past, not because of the fact is painful, but because of the miracles of what God has done in mine.

I still remain faithful to the calling that God has for me. I don't know what that particularly looks like right now, but I'm ready.