transparancy

I remember in High School when my youth pastor would pick me up to go to church. In the car ride, he said something that, although simple, still profound me today. The saying goes that “people are like onions; they have layers”. Some people will think of the movie Shrek when they hear this quote, but it has much light to it. As people, we have different levels of vulnerability depending on who we’re with. The people we trust more will have access to the inner layers of our being while strangers will only get to see the outermost layer, which usually pertains to the superficial stuff such as sports or random news.
I had an interesting conversation with a person I grew up with who used to admire my openness to people. However, this person was also disappointed that I’ve gotten a little more guarded over the years and that I’ve become more superficial and fake in the way I express myself. I’ve been pondering how I’ve changed over the years and I have to agree that what this person said is very true. How I carry myself around people has significantly changed to the point where I have to constantly create this “successful” image about myself whether it be with family, friends, or people I’ve just met. I have to carry this reputation about myself to show that I’m valuable. I think it’s come to the point where I carry myself in guardedness subconsciously. Although some may say that I should carry myself well around people, this very need I have to carry a reputation is killing my soul on the inside.
I remember when I used to be so open about myself in high school at church. Back then, I was very much aware of my weaknesses. Although I was scared to admit some of my struggles and weaknesses to people in youth group, I didn’t care. I needed Jesus in my life more than anything and I guess that desperation is what caused me to be so open with my life problems. I was desperate and had that attitude that if God didn’t move now, then my life is screwed, so I guess that’s why I was so open. I didn’t care what people thought because my problems and my desperation for Jesus were much greater than my reputation.
I don’t know what it is that doesn’t allow me to become transparent. Maybe a lack of urgency or desperation? Or maybe the fact that I’ve “matured” in to the college life in which the culture does not allow or value for people to be open about their weaknesses. Also, I guess the life problems are much greater and more is at stake if people knew what I struggled with or went through. Reputation doesn’t matter much in high school or even as kids; however, as college people, it’s everything.
I’m kind of rambling, so I guess I’ll end on the thought that I need to read His word more. I think part of me doubts that if people, even my closest friends, knew who I was, then things would be different. I would be judged. I would have shame and disappointment placed on my head and my reputation of being an engineer at UCLA, a manager at Wetzel’s, a “successful” Christian, would all be gone. Part of that human response I guess morphs into my life with God. I know that God knows everything and I do read in his Word that He loves me and that nothing can separate me from His love. But the reality is, if I knew that God knew everything about me, I have that gut thought that He would abandon me. So I guess I’m back at square one, I need You Jesus more than anything right now.