Blessed in chaos

Sometimes, amidst everything, school, work, studying, and ministry, we get lost with our relationship with God. Questions come up, what am I doing? What’s my purpose? Even, the condemning questions and thoughts, “God, I’m trying and I’m striving, but I’m still a failure. I’m not seeing anything happen” My heart aches wrestling with issues of insecurities and doubts, trying to win over God’s affection back to me.

Then He simply whispers in the stillness, “I love you for who you are and nothing else”.

Everything else suddenly fades.

Thank you God

Jeremy Camp - I Still Believe

“Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart.
I've never felt so torn before.
Seems I don't know where to start.
But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From ev'ry fingertip, washing away my pain

'Cause I still believe in Your faithfullness.
'Cause I still believe in Your truth.
'Cause I still believe in Your holy Word.
Even when I don't see, I still believe.

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear,
Or even when answers slowly unwind,
It's my heart I see you prepare.
But it's now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From ev'ry fingertip, washing away my pain.

Well, the only place I can go is into Your arms
Where I throw to You my feeble prayers.
Well, in brokenness I can see that this was Your will for me.
Help me to know that You are near, yeah,

'Cause I still believe
'Cause I still believe
'Cause I still believe
'Cause I still believe
I still believe.

tired

Free write

Gahhhh, hate writing these freewrites because it means that I’m probably in an emo, pensive mood. Honestly, that’s probably the only time I ever write these posts. It’s been a weird stretch of days, lots of DOTA and just being busy with stuff/obligations. It feels weird that I’ve felt like I’ve been in a dark hole today.

The perpetual cycle comes again. Am I hitting depression once again? Nah, it can’t be. I thought I got over and conquered depression last time I fought it. There is no way I can be bipolar. There is no freakin way I can be bipolar. I already won this battle. Isn’t depression all spiritual? Maybe, my spiritual being is messed. After all, I feel the physical, mental, and spiritual side of a person all connect. If one is bad, the rest suffer as well.

Well then what is it? Crying in film class today for no reason seemed random. Being in a black hole at work can’t be random either. There has to be a cause to it. What is it, God? Have I been so busy that I forgotten how to even feel? How to even live? I don’t even know the last time I’ve dedicated a day to reflect upon myself and God. I need to read the bible more.

What do I live for? I mean really. I can go by the cliché Christian answer and say, “to know God and make God known.” That doesn’t seem to drive me though these days. Has it ever? I seem to drift through life, lacking purpose. I lack that spunk, the motivation that kept me flowing through classes. I haven’t studied well and my discipline is lacking.

Once again, what am I living for? I don’t know, how to answer that question. The more I reflect on that question, the more anxious and sad I get. What am I doing here? Is it simply that I am motivated by fear of disappointing others? Or the fact that I need to prove myself in whatever I do whether it be school, video games, or even living the “Christian” life.

I didn’t make 411team for PC, but whatever. I don’t think I’m qualified anyway. Maybe I need to come to terms that it’s okay to not be on the 411 team. After all, that’s not my identity, yet it’s so hard to because I know if I were a bit more “spiritual” or “evangelistic” or started 20 churches, I’d definitely be on the team, but I’m not.

“Gah, stop it Daniel! Your life is not dictated by what you do, remind yourself of that. “

Sigh, what do I do again? So much head knowledge, but so little heart knowledge.

Let’s go back to square one

Here I am, it’s me Daniel, your imperfect son. I want to know you again, Lord

Everyone Sleeps

Aftermath of a weekend of training