tired

Free write

Gahhhh, hate writing these freewrites because it means that I’m probably in an emo, pensive mood. Honestly, that’s probably the only time I ever write these posts. It’s been a weird stretch of days, lots of DOTA and just being busy with stuff/obligations. It feels weird that I’ve felt like I’ve been in a dark hole today.

The perpetual cycle comes again. Am I hitting depression once again? Nah, it can’t be. I thought I got over and conquered depression last time I fought it. There is no way I can be bipolar. There is no freakin way I can be bipolar. I already won this battle. Isn’t depression all spiritual? Maybe, my spiritual being is messed. After all, I feel the physical, mental, and spiritual side of a person all connect. If one is bad, the rest suffer as well.

Well then what is it? Crying in film class today for no reason seemed random. Being in a black hole at work can’t be random either. There has to be a cause to it. What is it, God? Have I been so busy that I forgotten how to even feel? How to even live? I don’t even know the last time I’ve dedicated a day to reflect upon myself and God. I need to read the bible more.

What do I live for? I mean really. I can go by the cliché Christian answer and say, “to know God and make God known.” That doesn’t seem to drive me though these days. Has it ever? I seem to drift through life, lacking purpose. I lack that spunk, the motivation that kept me flowing through classes. I haven’t studied well and my discipline is lacking.

Once again, what am I living for? I don’t know, how to answer that question. The more I reflect on that question, the more anxious and sad I get. What am I doing here? Is it simply that I am motivated by fear of disappointing others? Or the fact that I need to prove myself in whatever I do whether it be school, video games, or even living the “Christian” life.

I didn’t make 411team for PC, but whatever. I don’t think I’m qualified anyway. Maybe I need to come to terms that it’s okay to not be on the 411 team. After all, that’s not my identity, yet it’s so hard to because I know if I were a bit more “spiritual” or “evangelistic” or started 20 churches, I’d definitely be on the team, but I’m not.

“Gah, stop it Daniel! Your life is not dictated by what you do, remind yourself of that. “

Sigh, what do I do again? So much head knowledge, but so little heart knowledge.

Let’s go back to square one

Here I am, it’s me Daniel, your imperfect son. I want to know you again, Lord